Friday, April 10, 2009

Easter makes my gorge rise.

Christianity: A worldview and religion based on a stolen corpse.

Scene: A glorious post-Passover Sunday morning. We can eat leavened bread again! The blessed whore, Mary Magdalene and the blessed virgin, Mother Mary witness an angel rolling away the large stone barricading Jesus' tomb. The angel informs them Jesus is fine and is presently on his way to Galilee. The ladies are naturally completely credulous and head off to report the good news to the rest of the gang.

He is risen! Jesus is risen! Quite a different tone from:  um, His body is missing.

So, we have this testimony from a whore and the deceased's mother, both of whom have a vested interest in seeing this "resurrection thing" through. Mary Madgalene, without Jesus' divinity as a certainty, is just wasting her time with a bunch of hippies who aren't fucking her. And what Jewish mother doesn't already believe that her son is God. Moreover, the apostles' investment in Jesus' divinity was absolute, being the basis of their identity and credibility.

Now I'm not saying that the women or the apostles stole the corpse. But someone did! How do I know this? BECAUSE THE CORPSE WAS GONE. Sure, what happens in Galilee stays in Galilee, but don't you think a nice Jewish boy would first tell his Mommy he was alive and well before fucking off to Galilee without his toothbrush.

Perhaps the tomb robbery was a mundane practical joke run amok: let's steal Jesus and see who notices?

Well, I'll tell you who noticed, the Christians!

So we get to enjoy 2000+ years of forced genuflection. Please recall the Crusades, the Inquisition, Lawrence Welk, each of which is the Earthly equivalent of eternal damnation. And let's not forget centuries of ecclesiastically sanctioned child sexual abuse.

Thanks, Jesus!

The apostles, meanwhile, join a shamefully egotistical competition to see who can write the most outrageous biography of their dead friend and savior, Jesus Christ.

Who won? Peter. Have you seen the Vatican? That's a vow of poverty I'm ready to take.

1 comment:

  1. "Perhaps the tomb robbery was a mundane practical joke run amok: let's steal Jesus and see who notices?" -- c.f. Gram Parsons

    I think Gore Vidal once wrote a short story about how Mary concocted the story of the Immaculate Conception because she was putting the horns on Joseph.