It's the Balm

I deeply believe in the healing power of divorce. Sort of.

I believe in the 20-Minute Divorce. Example: When Lori's geriatric chihuahua shits on my pillow for the thousandth time, or when Lori just sits there laughing as our infant son urinates on my guitar (extinguishing the fire that Lori started), I declare DIVORCE.

It's very simple. I leave the room in an epic huff, pleading my tragic case against the miscreant, who is currently my wife, to, "Your Honor." The testimony is overwhelming and fluid and then immediately sanctimonious.

I begin to feel badly for having called her an asshole. I am an idiot. Again.

I confess this now because Texas is threatening to secede. Again. The last time was during the Civil War, when they decided that slavery had a bright future in Texas. Now they are claiming "taxation without representation," as if they'd forgotten about their 32 elected representatives in the House of Representatives and their 2 Senators.

The accusation refers to the Amerian Colonies' (18th Century) relationship with Imperial England in which the colonies paid taxes to a King on the other side of an ocean who refused to recognize basic rights, like a right to vote.

There are 12 Democrats elected to represent Texas in the US House of Representatives. If just one of them voted for the stimulus, Texas has representation.

And even if NONE of the Democrats voted for the stimulus, Texas still has representation. What about all the federal money Texas receives for education? For civil service? Police and fire fighters, hospitals and charities? And let's not forget the Gringo Federales who stalk the Mexican-American border protecting Texas from the Mexican Drug War.

Wait a minute, I'm not saying I don't want Texas to secede. I would like nothing more than to see George W. Bush's gated community become a neo-Alamo, where he'd heroically battle to the death with the Santa Anna's, I mean, um, the Mexican Drug Cartel's overwhelming number and firepower.

The new rallying cry: REMEMBER A NAMELESS SUBURB OF DALLAS! (It's Preston Hollow, thank you very much.)

Hooray.

And Lord knows we would only gain as a nation by jettisoning Texas' near-retarded mean IQ. We'd probably be smarter, on average, than Ecuador or Nigeria. I know how important that is for us.

The reality is, of course, that Texas would feel very badly after about 20 minutes; after calling us an asshole and storming out of the country, loudly pleading its airtight testimony to, "Your Honor."

And we'd probably feel badly for it, because we know that Texas is prone to certain behavior. And frankly we love it for that wackiness. We need Texas. And not just because it keeps the failed Mexican state at bay.

We need Texas because Texas helps us define ourselves. For instance, how would I know that I am no longer a Liberal, that I am now, in fact, a Socialist, if not for the reactionary fascist pig that is Texas.

VIVA TEXAS!

And this way we can avoid the nasty custody dispute over the panhandle. Paternity's a bitch.